Dear Celebrity http://dear-celebrity.com Because we just can't avoid celebrity culture... Fri, 27 Jan 2012 01:45:42 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.3 Dear Leonardo DiCaprio http://dear-celebrity.com/2012/01/dear-leonardo-dicaprio/ http://dear-celebrity.com/2012/01/dear-leonardo-dicaprio/#comments Fri, 27 Jan 2012 01:45:42 +0000 Christie http://dear-celebrity.com/?p=53 I confess I’m writing to you not because I find you particularly interesting, but rather because my boss suggested it. She may perhaps be sweet on you; I’m afraid I didn’t ask.
I vaguely remember you from ‘Growing Pains’ though I admit I was still young enough to not be paying particular attention. I really enjoyed your performance in ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape’ but I’m afraid the movie still makes me uncomfortable.
I’m wary to admit I’m one of the few people who doesn’t find ‘Titanic’ particularly romantic, which is strange given I’ve always found tragic love immensely appealing…but someone the story just doesn’t float my boat…no pun intended.

I’m pleased by your environmentalism and support of politics, which demonstrates you obviously have a brain in that rather large head of yours, but other than that I’m just not that interested in you. I apologize, but you kind of bore me…I really don’t like how you repeatedly get nominated for Academy Awards and don’t win. You always just sit there and clap politely…I wonder sometimes what’s going on behind that rather trite expression you seem to sport year after year. Maybe this year will be your year. Or next year…
~Christie

]]> http://dear-celebrity.com/2012/01/dear-leonardo-dicaprio/feed/ 0 Dear John Barrowman- http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/09/dear-john-barrowman/ http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/09/dear-john-barrowman/#comments Tue, 27 Sep 2011 00:45:02 +0000 Christie http://dear-celebrity.com/?p=47 I scarcely know how to begin, so I’ll just dive right in; what I really want to say is that I love your cock[iness].
That’s not to say I don’t adore your music, or that I don’t relish your concert DVDs and even though ordering them from the UK is a hassle, I do it, because your poise and flair make it so worth the effort.
I also don’t want to downplay all the good you put into the world; thank you for continuing to push the envelope in everything you do. I admire your work with charities that are usually forgotten and love how you speak your mind in a world full of fakes and liars.
Most of all, I want to thank you for giving me something that my husband and I can share. In a suburban world, where most things are well hidden, we are both free to enjoy your Captain Jack Harkness. Together. So, yes, we can both sit back and enjoy his cock[sure] attitude, and blazingly brilliant angst, all wrapped up in one gorgeous coat.

So thank you for being you. Coat, cock and all.

Christie

]]> http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/09/dear-john-barrowman/feed/ 0 Dear Charlie Day http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/08/dear-charlie-day/ http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/08/dear-charlie-day/#comments Wed, 10 Aug 2011 15:47:27 +0000 Dani http://dear-celebrity.com/?p=36 I’m not usually into short guys, but for you I’m making an exception. You are just that funny. Though you play bizarre, childlike and often disgusting characters, I still find myself crushing on you. It’s a gift, dude. Few people are THAT funny. I mean, look at John Candy or, more recently, Zach Galifianakis. Funny, funny guys. But crush-worthy? Not really, at least not for me.

Maybe it’s because there’s something sweet and almost charming about even that moral-black-hole you play on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. You seem like a lovable man-child, even when you’re shouting and making poop jokes. And I think you know it. I think you play it up.

I’ve probably reached my backhanded compliment quota for the day, huh? I’ll just wrap this sucker up, then.

Anyway, thanks for the laughs,

Dani

]]> http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/08/dear-charlie-day/feed/ 0 Dear Dr. Oz http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/08/dear-dr-oz/ http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/08/dear-dr-oz/#comments Wed, 03 Aug 2011 17:29:38 +0000 Dani http://dear-celebrity.com/?p=34 We have to stop seeing each other. At least, I have to stop seeing you. At first, it seemed like a great relationship. You really seemed to want the best for me. I still think your motives are good, but it’s just not working for me anymore. Every day, there’s something new you want me to try. Kelp for weight loss, olive oil for a healthy heart (and hair), natural facial masks. My grocery bill is out of control, Dr. Oz!

And then there are the challenges. I just can’t keep up with you. I’m in the middle of the sugar detox challenge and you introduce an energy challenge. Holy hell! I can’t do both. Which one is more important?!? I don’t know what you want from me anymore.

The real problem, though, is that I’m just too paranoid to keep seeing you. Oral Cancer: The Scary Truth? Really, Dr. Oz? Damn right, it’s the scary truth. But maybe I don’t need the scary truth about everything. Maybe I don’t have to convince myself every day that I’m dying of some new scary disease. Maybe I don’t need to screen myself for everything.

Things were better when we had a casual thing going. I liked seeing you on Oprah from time to time. I just don’t think we’re suited to something long-term.

I hope you don’t take this personally, Dr. Oz. There are plenty of fat Americans in the sea. Go help them. As for me, as soon as I’m done your sugar detox, I’m performing a Dr. Oz detox.

Dani

]]> http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/08/dear-dr-oz/feed/ 0 Dear Kim K- http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/07/dear-kim-k/ http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/07/dear-kim-k/#comments Sun, 24 Jul 2011 00:55:37 +0000 Christie http://dear-celebrity.com/?p=30 Please understand that while I’d like to be able to use your whole name, and happily provide you with more free publicity, given your recent exploits I find myself leery of doing so.
I understand this week you launched a lawsuit against a model appearing in an Old Navy ad campaign because she looked like you. Even writing it, I find it unbelievable. So I think I’ll write it again: You. Are. Suing. Somebody. For. Looking. Like. You.
First of all, though you are very attractive, and I have no doubt a great deal of your time is devoted to this endeavor, this model actually looks nothing like you.
You are claiming that people may become confused, and think you are advocating the purchase of Old Navy clothing, and not the purchase of your own, more upscale, obviously classier apparel.
Now comes the main focus of this letter Kim, for though your lawsuit is absurd, and I can think of a million better things to do with your money, that isn’t what bothers me. What bothers me to my middle class suburban core is that your lawsuit is implying that the public, your public Kim, to whom you owe your fame, is stupid.
Have you honestly convinced yourself that people cannot differentiate between a five dollar pair of flip flops and a five hundred dollar pair of stilettos?
Please do us all a favor and get over yourself before we get bored and change the channel.

~Christie

]]> http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/07/dear-kim-k/feed/ 1 Dear Will and Kate http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/07/dear-will-and-kate/ http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/07/dear-will-and-kate/#comments Tue, 05 Jul 2011 14:28:49 +0000 Dani http://dear-celebrity.com/?p=16 I just wanted to apologise for that whole “middle finger” thing. I don’t know if anyone warned you, but English royalty isn’t so popular in Quebec. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a big fan of royalty myself, but I think that maybe the middle finger is going too far.

I can’t help but wonder, do you ever want to punch people? Or at least give them the middle finger in return? I don’t think I could just smile through people giving me the middle finger. Of course, as a teacher, I often have to calmly respond to rude students. Maybe a job is a job, no matter how much money you get paid.

Again, my apologies,

Dani

 

 

]]> http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/07/dear-will-and-kate/feed/ 0 Dear Michael Jackson http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/06/dear-michael-jackson/ http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/06/dear-michael-jackson/#comments Fri, 24 Jun 2011 01:25:36 +0000 Christie http://dear-celebrity.com/?p=20 It has been nearly two years since you left us, and on a certain level I still cannot really believe you’re gone. For days after the announcement I waited to hear about the hoax, waited to hear about how you’d managed to fool us yet again. But it never came. And I had to acknowledge to myself that you were really and truly gone.

You music and words flowed through my life, and I cannot remember a time when you weren’t there.

My heart still breaks for your children; your beautiful children whom I’m certain you adored, nurtured and loved. I really and truly hope that they did not see you that morning Michael. That morning they keep talking about. The morning everyone wants to know the answers to.  I know how it feels to see people scurrying around your father and know, just know, with the fleeting certainty of childhood that they can’t fix him. That nothing can be done. Nothing. I’m haunted by what I saw, that May day so long ago; I wouldn’t wish that horrible helpless feeling on any child.

So I just wanted to say I miss you Michael. You fascinated and enthralled millions.

You were, and will always be, the King of Pop.

~Christie

]]> http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/06/dear-michael-jackson/feed/ 1 Dear Pamela Anderson http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/06/dear-pamela-anderson/ http://dear-celebrity.com/2011/06/dear-pamela-anderson/#comments Tue, 21 Jun 2011 15:56:34 +0000 Dani http://dear-celebrity.com/?p=14 Dear Pamela Anderson,

Having recently undergone surgery, I’ve found myself with a bit of time on my hands, so I thought I’d drop you a line. Wait. That came out wrong. I actually do have other things I could be doing with my time – watching another season of Gilmore Girls or checking facebook again, for example. I just thought you’d get what I’m going through. Surgery is painful and not lightly undertaken, as I’m sure you know. Granted, I had surgery for medical reasons, but I’m sure you had equally weighty reasons for your boob jobs.

Do you get panicked the night before surgery? Do you worry that you may actually remain conscious during the surgery? Like in that movie with what’s-his-name? You know, the guy from Star Wars? Hayden Christensen! I never actually saw the movie, but the trailers were enough to give me nightmares. So do you worry about anesthetic awareness? Oh, me neither.

What do you do about scars? I mean, I’m not the bikini type, unlike you, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like flawless skin. Do you have any tips or tricks? I promise not to sell them to People magazine.

Thanks for your advice and commiseration,

Dani

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